today I had a therapy session with a couple of my friends today. we was just talking bout our exes and or ex flings. its a newly formed friends group only a year and some months but its a good one. I was the first to have my heartbroken and then vent in the chat. yes they did call me a simp and clown and told me to just leave or end it. but that was just because they never been in that situation before. now it's four of us who experienced the type of pain and feeling I did. or still do. I wouldn't wish that on anyone fr. the feeling of not being enough. staying in a broken relationship hoping that they'll love you back. holding onto what could've been, what should've been if they would've just fought harder. its a lot. its draining. then to deal with the aftermath. going from communicating everyday to radio silence. them being the person you would go to for everything to feeling absolutely alone. crying wonder why you wasn't good enough then getting upset at the fact that they didn't fight hard enough. upset at ya self because you feel like maybe you asked for too much, guilt because you feel like you're the underlying reason as to why you're not together anymore. those feelings, those emotions in a cycle over and over on an endless loop. for me its been almost a year (sept 2020) since we ended it and I still hurt. I don't cry as often as I did back in 2020 early 2021. But every now and then he pops up in my head and once he there, my whole day is done. some days I want to text him but my pride is too big. plus he's got a new girl now so woohoo for him didn't take him long at all seeing how they started to converse while we tryna fix us. or at least I was. I sometimes go on to their pages and yeah lurk. maybe im hurting myself that way but I can't and won't stop. I wonder if he misses me, even if it's sometimes like something reminds him of me. I ask myself a lot would I take him back if say he were to want to try things again. And I honestly don't know. we both said and did things to each other that hurt each other. we are different people now especially me. Plus it's not something likely to happen because I know the type of person he is, we're done. It's crazy because I like to say I'm a pretty looking girl I mean I never had any real issue getting a lover and that's just the truth. I mean have guys and girls right now who would love to take me out. yet I can't nor do I want to. I'm not completely over him and I rather get over him by myself than with entering a new relationship. also I wanna be single, I wanna have fun and flirt with who I want, go on dates with who I want. I hate falling in love. giving up my self, my walls, my everything to be laid out in the palm of someone's hands, not knowing whether they'll crush it or not. but at the same time, love can be the most beautiful thing if you let it. love can be your strength and not your weakness. I don't know I'm honestly just ranting. I have friends and people to talk to but there's nothing better than talking to myself or anonymously. plus I don't wanna burden my friends with all this talk. they aren't my therapist, I don't need to put all this on them or make them suffer my long ass ted talks about love or how I can't keep my ex off my mind. so I stay to myself. rather pretend everything alright and pick myself up in private because if I know anything, I know I got myself.
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