I am a trans woman in my mid 30s. And I was recently watching Sailor Moon Crystal for the first time. I loved the original series it was one of my all time favourite anime. What really struck a cord with me in the news series is the focus on love and friendship and the concept of finding your one true love. When I was younger I used to imagine that I was sailor moon. A re incarnated school girl princess who would find her one true prince. Now, after watching Sailor Moon Crystal those old feeling have been awoken inside of me once again and now I feel utterly depressed. I know I will never get to experience that life of being a school girl and dreaming of love and growing up with close female friends with whom I share a close special bond. I will probably never find my one true prince. Generally the people who are into trans people are usually in it for the fetish and not for the person themselves. Some find love. But sadly so far I have not. I felt such envy when I saw Mamo hold Usagi and wondered if that would ever happen to me. But again, I am in my mid 30s now. It seems that time is running out for me and soon I will be old and will have never truly lived and experienced what I dream of. It would be nice, just once, to be the princess for whom the eye of the prince captures. It would be amazing to have some really close female friends who love and care for each other and are always there when you need them. Is that too much to ask in a world of nearly 9 billion people. I used to often think that if I wished hard enough I could make my dreams come true. But here I am in my mid 30s and none of that has come to pass. Idk anymore. I know who I am but I feel like something is holding me back. Maybe I need to get out more and spend more time in the world. The truth is I struggle with talking to people, I find social situations exhausting and I never truly feel like I connect with anyone. I have one or two close friends sure but, no one that I seem to connect with as well as other do. I feel lonely. Everyone has someone but me. Those I try to reach out to, to make friends with. Never seem to truly be interested in being friends. It’s always me making the effort. I know this sounds like depressive drivel and it most probably is. But, I have no where else to get this out so posting it here . Maybe one day I will get what I want, maybe one day I will have those true friends and a prince of my own. Maybe one day I will be happy in my own apartment away from a shive family members who want to hold me back and prevent me from being my true self. Or maybe I will isolate further and fade more from existence. Idk anymore. I feel like I am trying to give it my all and yet it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. I feel sometimes like I should end it all but then I wonder. Could what I want be just around the corner and would ending it prevent me from seeking and achieving the thing I want most. Companionship. You know what the hardest thing is when it comes to a shove family members. Their determination to try and fit you into the mould that they themselves want you to fit in. Their desperate desire to see themselves reflected in you. Even though you have very little in common. The refusal to understand or accept who you are and the lack of care in how much it breaks your heart to be treated this way. Sadly at the minute I am not in a position to move into my own place but I am hoping that will change in the coming months. I saw more for myself at the age that I am now and I feel that I haven’t achieved what I could have. This family member will eventually be kicked to the curb of that I have no doubt. Once I am in my own place I shall never again darken their doorstep. They will be dead to me. I will not attend their bedside when they are sick. I will not mourn them or attend at their funeral. I will never tend to their grave. They will be forgotten. They will die cold and alone with no one there. I am going to end this here. To anyone who reads this. Thank you for taking the time. Writing this has allowed me to express a lot of feeling that I have had in my heart for quite some time. Maybe one day I will get my wish. Or maybe not. But I have to keep trying right?
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