I can’t stop. I want to but I can’t. Why is it so hard. I’m so alone, I hate what I’ve become. I feel like I don’t have a life, no friends no family. Of course I have a family and friends I guess but I don’t feel like anyone cares. I’m so depressed but I can’t say that cuz I have to be strong. I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to die but I just don’t want to live like this. What’s wrong with me, no one can help me because I can’t talk to anyone. I just wish I had a friend I could speak to about my issues, this is the first time I even say anything lol crazy I was looking into how to write a blog cuz I’m just yearning to speak and to be heard in some way without judgment. I don’t know how to approach anyone with the issues I am facing. I’ve tried raising issues to people close to me about some things very vaguely just to see how they would respond and the unanimous advice is always pretty much in a nutshell “toughen up” or “shake it off ur better than that” type of thing so I quickly realize I can’t speak to anyone because I’m afraid of being viewed as a “lesser” person. Maybe it is a pride thing, as someone once told me I have a pride issue which I didn’t think I had but come to think of it I guess having a fear of what someone else might think of you is a pride issue. I don’t know anymore, I’m so drained, I’ve exhausted myself just overthinking every situation that nothing is fun anymore, I always feel like shit, always feel alone. It’s that lonely feeling that kills me. I do such disgusting things just to fill this loneliness and it makes me sick when I objectively look at myself. I know what I’m doing is wrong but I can’t overcome that emptiness alone. But all I’m doing is numbing myself while my mental and physical health is declining drastically. I can see it with my own eyes, my body rotting and going to shit. The fucked up thing is I know I can change this, I can be better, I can look better, feel better, do better, live better. I CAN DO IT, but at the same time I can’t, like wtf is that. If i met someone going through the exact same things as me right now, while I was going through it, I could help them overcome this discomforting feeling and help them reclaim their lives and guide and mentor them step by step and show them the ropes. So why can’t I help myself. It’s not a knowledge or education problem. I know what I have to do and I know what the odds are one way or another but I can’t do it. I have my issues with change but I think it’s just dealing with it alone. All the issues I have come back to the fact that I am lonely and want someone who can be there for me. Or someone I can be there for. I wasn’t always alone, in fact for most of my life I’ve been in relationships, 2 major ones. I’ve always had someone to care for and be responsible for. I enjoyed caring for someone and having that responsibility I guess. The 2 major relationships I had were with women who had children as well in which the father was not in the picture in any way so I had that added responsibility. Sadly the last relationship I had came to and end as my partner had gotten sick and eventually died and it’s been downhill since. I drank alcohol like water, waking up to it every single day. I’ve since stopped that about a year ago but still It’s not helping. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore this is my first time writing anything I’m just saying whatever comes to my mind I don’t even think anyone will read this. I hate my life and noone even knows it, I’m so lost, I don’t know how I’m going to get better I’ve been failing for so long now. What’s wrong with me. I don’t even know what I want anymore, I used to want to be happy, and honestly now all I want is to not hurt anymore. I could care less if I was happy or not I just don’t want to hurt or suffer anymore. Does that even make sense. I want my own family, I feel like it’s too late for me, seeing my niece grow makes me so jealous of my sibling. Especially when I believe I could do a better job as a parent lol. Sometimes I just get so irritable and yearn for some human contact. A hug or something, haven’t felt a hearty wholesome hug in almost 4 years. Crazy how a hug can do so much. I think I’m gonna die, I won’t go see a doctor because I just don’t want to know, again don’t want to handle what it will be alone,so just drag it along making it worse. Everyday I almost die, or so I think, I’m pretty close. Everyday I say: this is it no more, then I say the same thing the next day. Maybe I want to die, could it be? I mean I don’t feel like I add any value to society at all, I actually feel like society would be better off without me but I could never bring myself to kill myself. Couldn’t go that far but I am killing myself slowly . Is this what I want? It’s not. I don’t think it is, but my actions are different. I need to see a doctor, I’m such a procrastinator, my life has become so dull. I want to change, I need help, but I can’t ask for it. What am I going to do?

2 years ago

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