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Theres something wrong with me and i want to die and i think i might have depression and anxiety and ive been having panic attacks ive only told my sister who also had depression and anxiety and we talk about it but she keeps trying to push me to get help but i cant tell my parents. But not even my sister knows how bad it is i have full on break downs crying and silently screaming feeling like im locked in my head i do bad things to make myself feel better. Including but not limited to taking a knife qnd finding a paper cut on my hand and widening it. It doesnt hurt bad and it makes me focus on that and not everything on my mind i have that split second feeling when i feel it where its like when its hot and ur body sends coolness through ur body trying to cool u down thats exactly how it feels i feel so free. Then everything comes crashing back down and i have to do it again. Just pushing the tip of the knife into it to feel the pain. Or pinching or scratching myself. Digging my nails into my skin. Rubbing the cut harf when im w ppl and cant have the knife. I feel so free when i think of dying. When i can free my mind of the guilt of leaving certain ppl behind, im so free. I once stood on the curb in a parking lot with my face to the sky feeling the sun and feeling free as i stepped forward w my eyes closed but then my foot hit the gravel and the sun disappeared behind the clouds again and i opened my eyes not free anymore and people were staring at me judging. I like to think of that one moment where i felt like i was free and it was me imagining stepping off a bridge or building anything just to end my pain