I do everything I can to keep busy. Well, finally, ran out of things to do. Get bored, get those thoughts. As long as I can keep busy I'm okay. Friends ask why I am always doing something, and that is why. If I stop for even a moment, the thoughts come. Usually around bed time as you're supposed to wind down, get ready for bed. So when you get ready for bed, you aren't doing anything. Since you aren't doing anything, the thoughts come. Just want to sit down in the shower, put the gun in my mouth, and blow my brains out. Or go somewhere like the woods and do it and hope the body is never found so they don't waste time/money on a funeral for a worthless POS like me. Maybe get camouflaged clothing to make it harder to find my body. Paint the gun black so it isn't shiny. There are woods within driving distance. But if they find my car they'll look in that area. Maybe buy an electric bike? Some get over 30 mile range. So I could get one without anyone knowing. Ride it to the woods and do it. Even better, drive my car to a different woods then use the electric bike to go to a different one and do it. That way they look in the woods near where my car is instead of where I am. At this point the only reason I don't do it is because my mom is alive. When she passes, there will be no reason not to do it since I wouldn't be hurting anyone. Sure friends might care, for a week, and then forget about me. Be glad they're rid of me. Always wanting to go do something. Lets go golfing, see a movie, out to eat, fish, anything. Have to keep busy or... they come.

1 year ago

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