I had an extreme fight with my dad yesterday. He yelled that no wonder nobody likes you, your mother, your grandmother and other 3 siblings. I was crying not because of what he said, because I already knew and trying my hardest to turn that around, find faults on me, being insecure of myself, doesn't care about myself and everything. It seems like no matter how much I changed, how much I tried, how hard everything I done, they wouldn't care at all. When i was small, I always thought my mother hates me and at 8, my grandma confirmed that without me even asking for it. I still remember where I was the time I first attempted suicide (I was still 8 back then), unfortunately I thought that things might get better if i tried harder, so i did. When my parents are sick, I would take care of them, when they looks like they need help, I would help them, I do the chores, I tried so hard to gain their love or at least their attention but no, all the attention goes to my 3 other siblings. Prettiest, smartest, nicest and invisible. Guess which one I fit into the category? And then grade 5 came, I migrated to other country. I missed my friends, i pretty much don't have good memories. Grade 6 came, the started of my first bullying. I told teacher, it got worsen. Grade 8, another racist guy (he stopped because I got different classes to him) bullied me, grade 9, another guy bullied me (but stopped after seeing im chilled with his friends), grade 10, this year I got bullied again. But this time a girl. All these bullying happened to me i have no idea why, I tried to think everything i can think of that why did I get bullied so much, what have i done so wrong when I was the shy kid who apparently only quiet just to avoid troubles...back then I was lucky that i had a more mature and mentally strong mind and didn't let it get into me but now I'm tired. Strong people can cry and fall too. I asked for help, parents, teachers, siblings, friends - none of them even helped me. Is it hard for them to at least lending a hand for me? I didn't ask for anything but a hand... Why is that so hard? Okay, who cares, I can help myself but is it necessary for all of them to say "why do you always get bullied so much?" Like hell, do you think i want to get bullied? Nah man you're fucked up for saying that instead of helping me...But thats not more, when exams are near, I tried to study but always ALWAYS the day when I have exam, my parents would find something, anything at all to make me cry and angry...This year I had 2 arguments with my dad and both involved me. First, i fought with my older sister. Something happened and she accused me which made me lost my mind. She didn't know how much I care about her and the fact i care her more than she cares me even though older siblings should care more for younger siblings and the fact she's an ADULT, a FUCKING ADULT, A GROWN UP...And she treats me like shit, and treats others who is not her family nice...So i was yelling everything out (well not entirely) out to my dad, cause he kept yelling at me and hitting me and as a person who admits they are wrong, if THEY ARE indeed in the wrong but no, I done nothing wrong, i shouldn't apologize and get yelled and hit at. So i yelled at him back and of course things just get worse. So i punched the table and he yelled at me for punching the table that the table belongs to him and not yours and I shouldn't hate it. Funny how a table has a lot more affection than me. But after that, at night, he apologized and even patted me. So i almost cried because im just soft-hearted person haha. But then weeks later, again and again (that means yesterday). They pointed their fingers at me. Bla bla bla, things unfair and I just sick of it (that day i wasn't at the best mood, because i just realized that people only come to me when they needed me and when i needed them, they wouldn't be there but yeah) so he hit me pretty hard and yeah yelled those words i said in the first paragraph, first sentence. I have bruises on my hands (i hurt it myself) and my whole body aches. But this time, yesterday night he didn't apologized. He doesn't care about me anymore and I guess this is officially ends now. I don't want to be part of this family. I want to cry. I want someone to help me or at least be there for me. I want someone to hear me. I don't want to keep false hope anymore. I don't want to lie to myself that I'm a happy kid with happy memories. I don't want to be jealous at people who has a better childhood than me. I want to live stress-free. I want people to know me, instead of the chaotic fake me which they thought i was the real one. I'm just 16, i want to have a greater future and sick of being that weak and getting hurt for no reason. At least give me a reason why I supposed to get hurt.

1 year ago

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