i dont know how to start. recently, ive heard a lot about myself. "you're toxic, a liar and used me and my family." , "you live a double life." , and so much more. i cant stop thinking. am i living right, am i who i am supposed to be? i can be myself around others but when it comes to family and certain people i have to pretend who i am. in a way i am living a double life by trying to be who they want me to be. this weekend, a good friend opened me up. it has been a year since i really really let someone in and told someone how i really feel. in a way it felt great, but it also hurt and showed me so much. it hurt cause that person means a lot to me, but they have someone else. it showed me that i am not ok and i need to fix that. i have taken a year to "heal" and try to find myself. yet here i am questioning who am i and what kind of person do i want to be? they told me "its okay to not be okay" and that keeps replaying in my head. i know deep down i am not ok, deep down i feel a lot of pain and dont know what to do with it. so i cover it up and pretend i am ok or drown myself in work and making people happy by being who they want me to be. there is just so much and it is a lot to handle. plus i dont know how to ask for help, i keep it bottled in. until i have a breakdown like this weekend. i dont know what to do. i dont know how to show certain people who i am. i cant show them because they would be disappointed and give me shit about it. all i wanna be is accepted and happy. i want to be enough. i was enough this weekend, but not enough when i came home. there is just so much to think about and decide. do i want to be the perfect daughter and live how they expect me to? do i want to be myself and face everyones opinions but be happy and live how i need to live? am i even strong enough to let them know or take the first step? i dont know. all i know is i am sad and confused now that i realized the truth about myself. now it is time for me to choose and stay strong with that decision.

2 years ago

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