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I’m only 13 and I feel so empty inside I get up and sometimes wish I died in my sleep I’ve had a pretty tough life growing up but I don’t want to sound like I have the worst life ever and I know people go through wayyyy harder things but I had stubborn parents growing up who would physically abuse my other siblings sometimes and would even hit me and verbally abuse me but I would always tell myself they didn’t mean it or that they were in the heat of the moment and I tried to understand them even though I was a child everyday they would have me lie about my life at school saying I did this and that over the weekends while in reality I would spend my weekends cleaning up blood of the floors from the fights my parents would get into and at first I would just cry and release these emotions but around 7-8 I just started to hold my feelings in as I would get into trouble if I showed any slight sadness aggression or even frustration they would say things like “that’s because you’re weak how come I had a hard life growing up and I didn’t cry and complain” and then moments later they would talk about how wild and how adventurous their adolescents was but I never had the vices they had like drugs or friends to talk to and if I even disagree with my parents all hell breaks loose and my parents don’t even trust me to walk down the street by myself I was never able to visit friends or talk to them outside of school so I was stuck home with nowhere to escape and now I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t even know who I am because I constantly have to act fake around everyone and know I can’t tell if it’s really me or just another one of my “acts” but now it’s gotten worse to the point where my depression is really bad and I’ve started to lose interest for things I enjoyed in the past and I have bad self esteem issues and I constantly put myself down and I’ve even lost interest in eating for about a month and a half now and for about 2 years now whenever I start to cry or even feel angry I physically hurt myself by slapping or punching myself and telling myself to “shut the fuck up and what am I sad about” and it works I stop crying on the spot and when I was younger I tried to kill myself many times but I couldn’t do it and now at the age of 13 it’s hard for me to feel regular emotions I don’t mind seeing death I go on really gory sites often and I enjoy seeing it actually and I don’t really feel happy and when I do it’s just for a minute or two and I’m becoming emotionally unstable this was my first time talking about this so if you did read this thank you and yes I know this was a crusty musty run on paragraph but it’s more like a whole ass novel sorry it was so long but it was a really brief summary but there a lot more still😀🥲