I have such a difficult time with my own head. I feel like I'm ignored, unwanted, unloved, and just a placeholder or rebound for what the people around me truly want. On the other hand, I know these things are not true, and that I am loved by those around me. I don't know what to believe anymore or if either of the above are even true. My head is so fucked up with these doubts and negativity that it's too difficult to actually think, stick to a hobby, or even believe the logic and "good" thoughts of my head. I'm afraid to be left alone in the world but I also want all the attention and feel overly protective of those who I've claimed for love, and I take any action that could possibly be taken in a negative manner towards me in that same negative manner. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I don't think therapy is helping so far. I just seem to always get back into this slump of self spite and seeing all actions around me as negative and evil, like no one wants me around or even cares about my feelings even after I have spoken up several times about it. I feel alone, ignored, and unwanted most of the time, so I end up just drawing a blank mindset and not even think. Just do your work. Go home. Drone out your sorrows by living another life in a video game. Go to bed. Be told you're loved. Don't actually feel it. Repeat the cycle. Who cares if you want to do things outside of work? That doesn't matter, cuz no one likes you and wants to work with you. Who cares if you've been in a romantic relationship for 5+ years? He'd rather have internet girlfriends since he never initiates sexual advances to you when you're around and instead jerks off when you're gone. Then there's a part of me who wants to fight these thoughts by repeating the things that have been stated before and the actions that have been taken to prove these people actually like me. I constantly go from one side to another and I'm sick of it. I think it's anxiety from childhood abuse but I don't know or understand why it's affecting me like this or this badly.

2 years ago

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