I’m a trans man. I’ve been through so much shit trying to get people to understand and finally they have. I thought i was straight but now i realize that most straight guys don’t want a boyfriend. and that most straight guys are ok with having a girlfriend. I don’t know how i can tell my girlfriend this, i’ll end up losing my social circle, and now even who i am is gonna come into question. everyone i know and love will see me as a confused straight girl and i don’t know if i can do this anymore. i just want things to sort themselves out. i want to go back and slap my younger self in the face for not knowing the difference between platonic and romantic relationships. i like her as a friend and i have no clue how i was so stupid as to think i loved her. i loved her as a friend! she’s a joy to hang out with! but i don’t like her like that. i like men like that. i have lived a lie for so fucking long as a girl but now i have to explain that i’m wrong again. i’m wrong about the person i’m supposed to know best. me. i just want to know who i am. and i do now. i do. im sick of this. i just want to get away. i want to keep my friends! i want to stay friends with my girlfriend if i can break up with her but i can’t see her in person and she’ll think i’m a jerk! we won’t be able to be friends after this. i know for sure. and now all my friends will be like “wait you were straight” or “i thought you liked her” and i did but like, as a friend!! god i really fucked up. i want to kill my past self for fucking up my life. i’m gonna have to get a whole new group of friends, a whole new support system. i’m sad and scared and mad at myself. i’m the bad guy here. i acted like i loved her for gods sake. i don’t want to have her hurt herself. she has a lot of stuff going on mentally, and she’s said a lot of times that i’m her main support system! and that i’ve saved her life! she’s been suicidal before and i don’t want to have the that happen ever. if she died because of me i couldn’t live with myself. i don’t know what to do. i’m scared. i can’t do this. i’ll end up hurting someone either way. myself or her. i can’t keep doing this shit everyday. i just wanna tell her we should be friends but she won’t take that well. i never had any idea that romantic and platonic attraction were different until i met her. i thought i knew. i thought i loved her. but that’s just what friendship feels like!! we’re just really good friends!! i’ve met this man recently who’s just making me rethink everything. i might be bi? but bi people would date either and i just.. can’t picture myself with a woman. i don’t know what to do. this has kept me up each night. every text i send to her i’m filled with guilt. she has no idea about it either! i don’t know what to do. this is too much for me. i’m so tired of lying and i feel terrible for lying to her. i’m sick of cutting and worrying my dad won’t love me. i can’t keep this up.

2 years ago

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