I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. I hate the thought of needing help. I hate it because I don’t want the help and because if anyone tries to help me then I feel like a burden. If I didn’t exist, then life would be easier for everyone I know. I’ve never been the shoulder to lean on or the friend you can depend on. I’ve never been the family member who’ll help on a moment’s notice. I’ve never reached out to be better than the bleak garbage pile that I am. So can anyone tell me why I’m loved? Why, after never once being repaid for their effort or kindness, do my parents continue to support me? Why do all the passing faces from high school still call me a good person? Why do I feel like such a fucking waste despite constantly being told, “What a good son I am”? I want to kill myself, but the guilt that comes with taking away a loved one from someone else always pulls me away from the idea. I don’t want to be responsible for loss in anyone’s life. So why in any decent capacity am I constantly told how much I mean to everyone I know? I’m just so confused and upset. Please, if anyone can, I’m asking for a reason to think more of myself. Because right now I want to crawl away and die in fucking crevice somewhere.
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