I have a great life, great parents, great step parents, siblings, and everything else that I could ever want. For some reason I'm so sad and empty and I can't feel, I can only lay in my room in the darkness hoping that maybe someday I will find the drive to actually get off my lazy ass. I can't do this, I'm only twelve and I'm just wasting my life away, I just want to sleep forever so I don't have to think anymore. My life is great and I'm just a spoiled brat that can never be happy no matter what I'm given. I haven't seen my friends in months. I haven't had a real conversation that hasn't been filled with anxiety in months. Why am I like this? Why am I so fucking unhappy when there are people out there with nobody, nobody at all to go to, nobody that they can count on for some support. Oh god, if only I would stop bottling my feelings up unconsciously, because now its two in the morning and I'm just straight up sobbing because I'm pathetic and worthless. I tell everyone that I like swimming and fireworks, and all the other fun stuff that I'm so lucky to get to do, but I lie. I suck it up when things don't go my way because I don't have the drive to fight. Hell, I don't even have a will to live. If I died it would crush my mother, traumatize my siblings, and hurt my friends. So no easy way out. I just have to vent out all my feeings to a bunch if random people on the internet because I need to get my shit together and recognize my feelings so I can act happy again tomorrow. I want to die. I can't die. I'm trapped where I am. God, I tried to call for help from my friends and I just ended up panicking and shutting everyone out. I lost all my friends because I can't get my shit together. I'm going to give it a week and see if I'm better then. Or at least remotely ok. And then once I realize that I'm never going to be ok I will do something to make others happy. Every day I will do only what others want because all I feel is a void of regret and sadness no matter what I say or do, so I may as well make others feel better until I decide to leave this world permanently.

2 years ago

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