If I hung myself would it really be that upsetting? Maybe for my mum and dad and sister. For like the first year or so. But they’d probably just say something along the lines of ‘Well she was always the type’. I know that’s how they view me. Not as someone with personality and hobbies and interests. Just childish. Living in ‘her own world’. God I hate that. I’m 27. None of them treat me like an adult. No matter what I do. So what’s the point if all I do is disappoint them. I have no friends. I have one. But since she moved away it’s hard to see each other. And I always feel like a third wheel with her and her boyfriend. That’s not her fault though. She is the kindest person I know. I just feel like a burden to her sometimes when I’m tagging along. She’ll be okay, her boyfriend will look after her. There’s nobody else. Just colleagues or people I used to know. Nobody invites me out. Nobody texts me. Nobody will miss me. This is the hardest one. I know he loves me I know he cares about me. But I’m taking him away from his family. I feel so guilty for it. I feel like I’m so selfish that I’m allowing him to do that, what kind of girlfriend does that? I don’t him to be isolated like I am. I don’t want that for him, he’s so intelligent and thoughtful and could do anything he wanted. And I’m stopping him doing that. I’m taking their son away. Selfish. It will be hard for him but he will get over it. He’ll meet someone else. He’ll be okay. The stairs seem a good option. Height and strength to hold. Maybe. I don’t know. At least if someone looks through the letter box they might see me too. I don’t know how long that would take. Maybe even in death I’ll just be alone as well. I’m scared to find out. But I can feel it there in my mind. This is why I cry. I won’t do it today. I probably won’t do it at all. But it’s always there. What if. One day I might.
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