*TW* I hate my life I’ve cut before and it didn’t help, I’m 3 weeks clean now but I’ve since I started I’ve felt the need for it like it’s keeping me sane and or alive, I told a friend of mine about my cuts and she said she hated me I don’t know if she ment it like she actually hates me or if it was like she hated that I did it. Idk either way I’ve kept to my self I’ll always act like I’m okay even when I’ve hit rock bottom I would never put my own problems out in the world I feel selfish just talking about my emotions because I feel like I’m making up stuff to make people feel bad for me when that’s the last thing I want, I hate life I wish I could just tell everyone to fuck off and get out of my life, everyone used my adhd against me and now I think I have bpd so that’s just even better for people to use against me I was 10 when my adhd was used against me how fucked up is that to use a mental illness against a 10 year old, idk why they did it I mean even now they talk shit about me and I can hear all of it, sometimes I get so surprised on what they say, my own family saying that stuff, kinda makes your rethink everything you’ve done in your entire life but I guess that’s just how some people have to live I mean I’ve been doing it for years I’ve hid it so damn well that I even question if I’m okay because I’ve become so numb that even now I feel like I’m making stuff up. I honestly don’t know how far I can go anymore I’ve done so much I’m only 15 why do people do things like this to others, I was called a disappointment and mistake by my grandma and then when I told my mom about it she didn’t believe me. I sometimes wonder why it happened to me why not someone else I know that seems selfish but is it really I’m 15 for fucks sake I worry about everything my weight, my looks, my eating habits I’m going through an eating disorder right now like I barely eat 2 meals a day and that’s only because other people make me food if I was on my own I would never eat but I can’t because everyone would act like they were always there for me and I could always talk to someone, umm no everyone around me talked shit about me behind me back and infront of me like no I’m not gonna talk about my feelings because you’ll just use it against me that’s also why I act like I’m okay because they will act like your best friend then tell everyone about how much of a mess you are that’s why I hate everything and everyone I wish I was never born
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