I'm feeling thorn apart since I realised I have a crush on a guy famous on the internet. So here's just me writing it down to hopefully make sense of myself. Please don't hate on me when reading it, I know that my thoughts don't make sense and I should be happy. You see, I'm in a relationship for five months as of now, happily together with a girl I know for two years now. A couple of weeks ago I found an awesome guy that does YouTube and primarily streams on Twitch where he has more than two million followers. Only the past days I noticed that I have a huge crush on him, although I don't know a lot about him and he doesn't even show his face completely when he does show himself. I guess crushes can fall pretty much everywhere. He is everything I ever wanted in a person I want to have a relationship with. I felt like betraying my girlfriend and spent a while searching about having crushes on other people while being in a relationship, finding out that this is common and you don't have to worry. But I still can't shake these thoughts off and one thing I found burned itself into my mind: " If you find to have a crush while being in a relationship, you might see traits in that person that you don't see in your current partner." It took a while, but I see the difference. He is extremely funny and makes me laugh a lot, we seem to be on the same wavelength what humour goes. He is always seems to be pretty excited doing stuff he loves, which I also love to see in people in general. He seems honest and genuine, which is like ointment for my trust issues. My girlfriend makes me laugh too, but only rarely. It feels like I lost the connection I had with her in the start of our relationship. We laughed more and the chemicals seemed to fit better. Only after the first month, I grew very doubtful after spending new years eve at her place, seeing that she wished someone a happy new year after something what seems like an "I love you ❤". I know that my eyes could have played a trick on me, it all went pretty fast. The message also seemed older, so it could also have been the chat with her ex she broke up closely to our relationship since it grew toxic after her confession that she has feelings for me. It still bugs me since my last relationship was really toxic and I have huge trust issues due to many wrong friends. She also grew very dependent of me, having mental health problems I'm not going to disclose for the sake of her privacy. I still love her, but somehow not the way I used to, and that even before my crush on this guy from the internet. Honestly, I don't know what to do. Like I said I the beginning, I should be happy. Happy for having her as my girlfriend. We both share some hobbies and favourite topics and she even has the same picky eating habits that I thought I had to get over with to not be labelled as a complete weirdo on the market of finding true love. In the beginning it really felt like true love, even though I was extremely scared dye to my last relationship, and I might find these sparks again after getting over this crush. The guy I have a crush on could be the complete different in real life, as many online personalities tend to have a role they play when being online. You never know a person until you actually meet them. I literally don't know what's going on with me. I feel like having everything and having nothing at the same time.

2 years ago

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