I am so sorry. I wanted you to hate me. I didn't want to hurt you. I've been fucked up since September. I get bad in September but then after I feel better but this year I don't. I just feel worse and worse every day. Every day I wake up is worse than the day before. I try to do the things that make me happy. Go see movies, play games, golf, read, write, anything that used to make me feel happy. It worked before but isn't this time. I just feel tired and hate myself all the time. I want everyone to hate me as much as I hate myself but they don't. I keep trying. Put on a happy face. Go to work. Go to Devin's. Talk to my mom. I try, and fail. It used to work. I could feel better after awhile. It isn't working this time and I don't know why. I thought maybe go on a date with someone might work but I haven't done that yet. So I tried to get it so you would hate me. Or at least be mad at me. Instead all I did was hurt you making me feel even more like a piece of shit than I already do. I love you and miss you and hate myself for even thinking about it. You are so fucking great and perfect and yet I let you go because I know it is better for you. You need your family and your family needs you. They are amazing. I miss Jackson and Nia too. That week I got to spend with you three, and meet your family, was the best. I want to feel like that again. I've bit through a mouth guard and halfway through a new one because I grind my teeth every night and even with mouth guards wake up with a head ache. Advil and Aleve don't seem to help. And then working more and more and trying to make more videos and do more lives streams and focus on making more money hoping it will make my brain stop grinding my teeth if I just make enough. Then think about how next year, even if you wanted me to, I can't just fly down again. Ticket prices are going up, and I couldn't just... spend like I did. Being able to go anywhere, do anything, with you was so much fun. Knowing I could treat you how you deserved to be treated was good. Now? If I saved up and went I'd love it but I know my mind would punish me for it. So I tried to get you to hate me. If I don't have to think about seeing you next year then maybe that stress goes away. Maybe it will help with the headaches. Maybe I would start to feel better. Instead I'm just fucked up even more. Fucking hard to drive while crying because when I'm driving I'm alone with my thoughts. Another reason why I've been trying to work and live stream and make as many videos as possible. If I'm doing that I'm not thinking. I'm not planning. I'm not looking at maps of nearby woods I could walk off in to and do whatever just to make it stop. Make it so they don't find me. Just one day I was at work, the next, gone. Don't find me, don't waste time and money on a funeral. But I don't want to die I just want to not feel tired. Not feel hate. I want to smile and mean it. I want to laugh and mean it. I want to stop telling Devin and Alex I'm okay, just tired. When all I am is tired and feel nothing. I'm so so sorry I made you cry. I wanted you to hate me not be hurt. I want you to move on and forget I ever existed. Find someone new. Better. It shouldn't be hard to do. I'm nothing. You? You can go anywhere you want with your skills and degrees. Me? If I quit my job I'd be fucked. I can't just move and get a job paying what I get for what I do. I have nothing to offer anyone. You are too good for me. Always have been. Always told you I was trying to be good enough for you and I never was. You are too good, too special, too everything. I hope you have a great day, week, month, year, life. And your family. They were so good to me when I came down. I want them all to do better and more. I know this is long and so fucking stupid of me but I can't talk to anyone else.

1 year ago

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