okay. this has officially become a full blown, nuclear meltdown of a breakdown. im working my ass off under literally fatal circumstances to pull off something nearly impossible financially, just to remain in my son's life still. he's 6. his mom and i divorced when he was about to turn 3. she's moved, remarried, another kid etc, and has just finished med school, taking a contract as a doctor out of state. so i have to abruptly move out of state in order to follow him, somehow ontop of the 548 dollars a month in child support im paying, TO MAKE IT EVEN BETTER. over some shit said on facebook, thru a third party witness she cant even verify, shes mad at me and won't let me see him until we go to our court hearing for her relocation on 5/20. thats still 3 weeks almost. and i haven't seen him in over a month. i haven't slept in nearly 4 straight days, and i mean i haven't so much as closed my eyes longer than a blink. it hurts too bad, she wants me out of his life and i dont get it. im a good father, my little buddy loves me. he misses me and doesn't understand this, i wanna talk to him and give him a hug so fucking bad, if i close my eyes i see his face and i just crumble into billions of unrecognizable pieces. i cant stop crying, i cant stop seeing his face. i just wanna give him a hug. i dont understand why shes still doing this to me after so long. why are you doing this shit to me, god? what have i done that was so bad? why are you making him have to be sad and cry and miss me on top of it? i am spiraling down into territory thats hazardous to my ability to remain alive. and i am sleep deprived to the point of being diagnosed clinically insane. its not a good mix. i miss him so much. im in hell. im in hell in a nightmare it seems like ill never wake from.

2 years ago

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