im 11 years old. i wont say anything personal but the fact that my name is lola. when i was around 9 years old (turning 10 in a few months) , i met a guy. he made me feel amazing, it was a crush ive never felt before. he was 16. i loved the validation of older men, and i always wanted to impress them. months later, he told me he loved me and if i wanted to be together. i was 9. i knew he wouldn’t love me if i was 9 so i told him i was 15 and agreed. we got closer and closer as months passed and things started to get more intense. we would call everyday (i had a mature voice) and it got so close we would send pictures. nudes. i was stupid at the time and sent him my real face, but luckily i wasn’t extremely stupid and i sent him fake nudes of the internet. he, however, sent me videos of him jerking off. the innocence of a child was ruined for me. he would send gore, slits on his wrist, and nudes. the guy was very unstable, and had been to a mental hospital 3 times. and i, was a little girl who just wanted him to be happy. and that’s what i did, i made him happy. a few days after his birthday, a secret that i told myself i would keep forever was revealed. our providers detected child porn on my phone and sent the messages to my mom. all of the conversations. she put me in our car, and started driving. she stopped at the side of the road on a curb and told me she knew everything. there’s a lot more painful details but it’s very confusing. some of the topics she brought up were how i broke him, her mom attempted suicide, and i was a liar. i had to break up with him, so i acted like i lost feelings .. and it had worked. it was horrible, leaving behind so many memories. months later his cousin told me he jumped off his roof and broke 2 ribs. i don’t know if it was because of me but whatever. (they never ended up knowing about my age) you would think i would stop after that but i didn’t. i went through 3 more guys. 2/3 found out i was a catfish, but i dont feel like explaining i feel like crying. why did i do this to myself i wish i could just die i wanna kill myself so bad my therapist doesn’t work at all she doesn’t understand she always takes my mom side i wanna take every pill in the house my mom deserves a better daughter why can’t I just restart please just kill me nobody understands all of my friends are 16 i grew up mentally so quick my childhood was wasted the internet ruined my life im sorry im sorry im not a bad person i swear i miss your validation i wish i could just hurt myself in every way possible ive seen it all porn, gore, cuts, suicide, and more. sam, you were the 4th boy. im so sorry. you deserve better, love yourself please. stop caring about me. ill be better off dead 2021, june
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