I miss you. I doubt these words will ever reach you. I don't see you finding and exploring a website like this. Our relationship wasn't always nice and I needed more help than you could give me but our love was the most real kind of love I've ever had for a man. Yes, even him. I know you always felt as if I didn't love you the way I loved him and you were right. I didn't love you the same way. I loved you in such a beautifully different way. I still do. The way I feel about you won't ever die. I wish I could know how you are doing. I wish you were still, somewhere, in my life, in any form. Even just to say hi once and a while. I wish you didn't feel as if you had shut me out. I understand why but I wish you knew my intentions are pure. I know you don't ever want to date me again, and honestly, I don't think I want to date you again either... but I do miss you. So much. I miss my friend more than anything. I miss your smile and your laugh and I miss how I could be myself around you. I miss your innocent sense of humor. No one could make me giggle like I was 5 again the way you could. The last time we spoke you weren't doing very well and I think about you all the time. I hope you're OK. And I hope you know I'm still here, waiting to reach back if you decided to reach out to me. Beyond any romance or sex or relationship; I love you. You are such a beautiful human being. I loved you the moment I met you and I will always love you. I don't need you to be in my life in order to love you. How I feel about you transcends all those things and I just really wish you knew that. Because, all I want to say to you is thank you for saving me. Meeting you saved me from going down an even darker path. Your patience, kindness, genuine love, open-mindedness... you showed me love still existed for me. That I didn't lose my only chance at it. I didn't think I would ever feel that way again. Let alone feel even more of it. You loved me enough to let me go. To make me go. You finally loved yourself enough to leave. And that box of darkness was, still, a gift. You are the reason I have worked so hard to be better, to do better, to heal and get healthy. I realized I never want to repeat my behaviors and triggers and co-dependence with anyone else ever again. I never want to hurt anyone the way I hurt you. And I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart, for the pain that I caused you. I couldn't see then, what I can see now and the clarity hurts. My intention was never to hurt you, I was just in so much pain that I couldn't see how you were suffering too. I did get help. I do get help still. It's a long road and I am so grateful to you for helping me down, even just a little bit of it. I hope you get help too. You deserve to be happy. I need you to be OK. I hope you can at least feel my love, wherever you are. Maybe we will bump into one another some Halloween night, at a golf course in Balfour and I will be able to say this to your face.

2 years ago

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