I want to give up on life I just don’t feel pretty enough of skinny enough to be in this society and I can’t tell any of my friends because they will just think I’m attention seeking and I don’t want them to become annoyed at me. My parents can’t know because I’m worried they will freak out and won’t treat me the same and treat me like I’m a different person and I don’t want that, I want to self harm I have a few times but I’m worried if I overdo it then someone will notice and then it will all be shit. I try and eat the minimum I can without drawing attention to myself but that’s extremely hard for me because I used to not eat at all so my parents notice straight away now and throwing up the meal I just ate doesn’t work because I can’t bring anything back up my gag reflex just doesn’t work. I have my whole suicide plan set out I have the notes written to people I love but I’m scared to go through with it in case I regret it or in case someone blames themselves but no one really cares until your sat in the hospital not knowing if your going to awaken or not. The other day I was home alone so I stood in the kitchen and set and a chopping board with some cucumber on it so that it looked like I was eating but in actual fact and was trying to stab a knife through my stomach just to feel something well turns out the knife was too blunt and I saw a video on my tik tok feed which talked me out of it but I just wanted to go through with it just to not feel numb. Everyone thinks that I’m fine because I don’t show it in the day but little do they know that every night I cry myself to sleep nearly every night or just cry when I’m alone in total, I turn people down when they want to do things because I don’t want to break down infront of them because at night I go numb and the only time I get away from these suicidal thoughts is when I’m asleep even in the day when I’m ‘happy’ I see a knife or some pills and think about how easy it would be just to end it right on the spot. I’m not prefect enough to be on this earth im ugly fat and just shouldn’t be alive I didn’t chose to be on this earth I don’t know why I ever came. I’m sorry for wasting your time if you just read that xx
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