I've come to realize that i'm an awful person. About a week ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year. That's not what makes me such a bad person, but rather the fact that I dated her for so long. When she first asked me if I had a crush on anyone, I said yes - not a total lie at the time, as I did have feelings for someone that I knew I would never have a chance with. Then she told me she had feelings for me of all people. I guess this all started when I told her she was the person I liked. I don't know why I said it. It wasn't at all true, and I only saw her as a friend. It was so incredibly stupid and so middle school it makes me feel sick. Maybe I thought that I would develop romantic feelings over time; She was my type on paper. But it never happened. We had our first date, first kiss, first time, and I just didn't feel anything I was supposed to. I knowingly led her on. I kept making up excuses for myself even though I knew exactly what I was doing. I even told her I loved her, just after our four month anniversary. And I never stopped to think about what I was doing to her. I zeroed in on how all of it made ME feel so uncomfortable, made ME feel so sad, made ME wish for someone else. Meanwhile, I was ignoring her calls and barely replying to any of her texts. I saw how much I was hurting her when I started growing distant towards the end, and never once did I try to resolve it. I just continued to stew in my boiling pot of self pity, and a friend had to pull me out because I thought I was too far in to stop. So I finally bit the bullet one week ago and told her I thought it would be best to end things. And then she asked "why?" and I gave even more excuses, because as I said, I am a horrible human. I guess I just wanted to get that all out there. Thank you for reading my ramblings.

2 years ago

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