I think I'm responsible for the death of my closest, dearest friend and twin flame. Before now, I have tried to explain to both a psych and a close friend, but the usual tropes of "you did all you could" and "there was nothing you could do..." kept being thrown at me. But, they never let me explain, and, I've been carrying this around for the last year. It's now three weeks to the anniversary of her death, and the pain is still raw. We knew each other for five years. We could talk to each other about -anything- and we did. If one slipped up, we judged the action but never made it personal. 'Judge the sin, not the sinner' as I believe either the Bible, or the white Christ said. You get the gist. A number of times she put me back on the straight and narrow without me realising til afterward. I in turn the same, and always comforted her where I could. We spoke every day. We'd talk over Telegram and she would beep me even when I was at work and I could talk in between stops. Or I'd beep her at 4am my time when getting up, to 'tuck her into bed' - as she was 6hrs behind me. We were that close, and if she was still here, I would have definitely asked her out and more. But there's an old saying - You don't know what you've got until it's gone, and this, reader, is a classic example. ~ Last year was hectic. I moved out of home, moved 60 miles west and moved job too. I went from living in a family home to living on my own. As you have guessed, I am single, so, "if I don't do it, it doesn't get done." We began to waver, as I was distracted/focused a little on the relocation and she, rest her soul was coming down with depression. She was always depressed I realise though, as she lived in a house that badly needed doing up and never got round to it. Or she had not had the hot water fixed in over a year. But she had just - barely - kept her head above water, functioning somewhat to go to work, see her family and go shopping. Alas not socialise though, as she was not keen on this. Though I recall one night she went out with colleagues to some Vegas-like casino-makret thing, and well, she enjoyed it actually. I digress. I stayed in touch every day, poked and beeped her, and she I in turn. And then the end of June 2020, I had my head turned by an old flame/crush. This old flame/crush I should have been wary of. Back in 2018 I had an event where a shedload of people just stopped talking to me. I have no idea why and looking back often in reflection/trying to make myself better, I cannot find answers. Since then a couple have returned, apologised and we're good. A couple others came, were forgiven and then ditched me again. So they're a no no. The crush was one who came back. We had our reckoning, and then we started talking, too, every day. Through messenger and skype. We couldn't stop talking, damn it. And we were older and wiser adults so it seemed. Things went on. Although I made sure I talked to my first friend every day, some days when she was being untalkative or uncooporative, it became hard work. I stuck it out. I guess, I loved her. But it was so difficult when she would clam up or drop hints, then push me away. Throw in the old crush being, in comparison, like a ray of sunshine and you might be able to see how my head was turned. Then the crisis hit. End of July, my close friend made the first attempt to take her life. I stayed up until 4am with her, talking her down and begging her not to do it. She swore she would cut me dead if I did anything like call local police/medical though. I should have done anyway. Instead, I stayed with her, over Telegram until I was able to hand her over to another friend who could see her through til morning. We succeeded that time. And we thought we may have surmounted the worst. How wrong we were. With my attentions a little divided, I was not entirely there. I know now that my close friend would have walked through hell barefoot for me, and I would have the same for her. If I could, either of those terrible nights, I would have called work, told them to stuff things and driven to her, to be by her side. Alas, the Atlantic Ocean... "Roku, Why are we always on different pages lately? /:; we used to click so well." The message that broke my heart at the time. I thought we were still clicking, but, looking back, I was distracted - with the house move, job training and settling, and buying everything for me to be able to live in a half decent flat. These things do unfortunately take time. But that hurt. Alas, my mind was distracted and my head/heart turned by the crush. At the end of August 2020, my closest friend and flame finally killed herself. I have to wonder if she truly felt so lonely that was all she had left. And if that is truly how she felt, then, I failed her immensely. I would have walked through Hell and back for her, but, it is too late now. I'm only sorry that I couldn't help you more, Haru. Always more than a memory.I will always love you.

1 year ago

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