The feeling of being a waste of space worsens everyday. Knowing I’m just a nuisance for everyone, knowing that the only contribution to this world is using up the precious oxygen on this world. I’ll never make a difference I don’t belong. Robin Williams quite sticks with me everyday. “ I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” Oh how true that is. To walk around everyday with a smile on your face worried about giving away how you really feel. To joke and change the way you are to make others happy to feel like they belong, like they mean something and are worth the world. Because this empty void you have for yourself is something you never want someone else to feel. The chorus in the song Funeral by Phoebe Bridges echos in my head day after day. What do I do with my life when I know I won’t ever feel different. My life is in my hand. At anytime I can end it. But I have tried. And I have failed. As if I do how would my child do without me? A big part of me thinks he would thrive. He would have someone to love and support him more than I have. Someone who deserves this innocent sweet boy. Little boy that I allowed to be exposed to violence for almost six years of his life. A little boy who was molested by a family members foster child. What parent am I when I can't protect him? Yet he loves me. He only feels safe with me. He face times and calls me every time I am at work, just to make sure I know he is waiting for me to come home. He says that I am the only one there for him. I couldn't be more blessed. He has such anxiety. I wish I could take that away so he can focus on being a kid and enjoy his childhood. So I ask this to myself; am I causing more harm than good in his life? I am a single mom who has her child 365 days. He doesn't want to socialize no matter what I try. He only wants to be with me. But with work, school, homeschooling, this can be exhausting. I just want to sleep. Sleep for days. I don't see myself as that attractive but I must be because I always get hit on. I don't wear slutty clothes, usually sweatpants jeans or uniform. But why can't someone see past looks and want to be with me for my personality. For this reason dating is a waste. I am a fish out of water, flopping around looking for my home, a place I belong. But will I ever find it? Am I worth continuing this exhausting, depressing path?

2 years ago

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