it's getting bad again. i don't know how I'm going to get through it this time. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I can't do it anymore. I see no future, no hope, no actual life for me other than being like this. I can't do it. The suicidal thoughts are back. The panic attacks are more frequent. It's hard to get up every day now. And the weather is driving me crazy. I hate this weather. Sad, cloudy, cold, wet, rainy. I hate it so much. I loved surfing so much. It was my life. The one thing that kept me going but now it's gone. I used to have this legitimate pull towards the ocean and surfing like there was something pulling me towards it but I can't find it anymore. It's gone. Nothing around me feels real anymore, I either feel like I'm floating or feel like I'm on a boat when I'm not. When I look into the mirror I can't even recognise myself anymore, it's like looking at another person. When I look down at my hands and my legs and my fingers, they feel like they aren't mine like I don't have any control over them and that they aren't attached to me. It's like my mind my physical body are completely cut off. My memories feel like they don't belong to me. I can't do this anymore. I relapsed again. When will it get better. I just want it to get better. How do people go about their week without feeling like this. It's not fair. And I feel so bad for feeling this way because in general, my life is pretty good. I have a house, clean freshwater, accessible food 24/7 and the most loving, caring parents ever. I have a home and a family I can come home to every day and they greet me with happy smiles and hugs. So why. Why am I like this. I have nothing to complain about yet I want to end it all. Why. That is all I ask. Why.
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