"I am a horrible friend." I think as I sit in my own thoughts, trying to laugh at videos and memes. I have accepted that fact. I still feel like a horrible person even after everything. After telling myself to move on. After writing and deleting messages that were never sent. After trying to be happy and tell people that I am happy. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to improve or come up from this. I sit here, and fall even more into a depression. I don't reach out to anyone that I am close to because those relationships are gone. I am trying to reach out to people but, what could I say? What could I possibly say to anyone who would listen? What could I do? I feel lost and alone in this life. I sit here and think; “I deserve it.”. I do. I deserve the cold shoulder. I deserve people to hate me. I deserve to be like this. As my vision blurs from the tears sliding off of my face and down my cheeks; the only thing I wonder now is: How will I die? Will I lose to this internal battle within me? Will I finally take my own life to avoid all of this pain and devastation? Will I live to be 80 with children, grand-children, and great-grand-children? The last one is a far fetched idea. An idea that comes from deep down under the waves of depression. The part of you that never really dies. The part where love and hope waits to be crushed in the blackness. I fear that my time is closing in and I can't keep fighting this darkness. I need to do better. I know this. I need to go to a doctor. I need to try to fix all of my past mistakes. I need to prove that I will become a better person but, at the end of it all is it even worth it? Is it worth the fight and struggle if in the end, I can’t beat this darkness inside of me? I hope that one day, I can wake up, look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted. I hope that I can look at that person and know that I am who I was meant to be.
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