I was sexually assaulted by my ex-best friend when we were kids and I've kept it a secret for almost 10 years. my mom's ex-boyfriend was a bit too touchy with me when I was younger, he would look me up and down when my mom wasn't around. my older brother was one of my only ways of coping with our mom's craziness, and borderline abuse, he was essentially kicked out when he fell into alcoholism. he moved back to Ontario and I haven't seen him since October 2020. my parents did shrooms on new Year's eve, and I was supposed to babysit them to make sure they didn't hurt themselves, I said fuck them, and locked myself in my room the night, and stayed on a video call with my best friend (not the one to assaulted me) until past midnight. I spend ages 8-10 wondering if my mom loved me. my mom and my brother fought non-stop for the first 2 years he moved back in with us at 17. one of my clearest memories is from when I was about 11, and my mom and my brother were screaming at each other, and I was crying, and watching jacksepticeye play life is strange with headphones and a blanket over my head. he came into my room and told me that it would never, ever be my fault she was flying off the handle, and that if she ever did what she did to him as a kid to me, to fight back. that if she hit me, hit her back, screamed, scream back. he's one of the only reasons I've fought this long. another thing I remember, from a screaming match, is that she told him that he made her want to kill herself, and if I wasn't there, she would. when he moved out, I lost one of my few healthy coping mechanisms. I associate yelling with fear, I used to hide in my closet when they would yell, I would cover my ears and quietly beg them to shut up. when my parents argue, I still do that. I put in headphones and blast music until they shut up. They don't fight all the time anymore, but when they do they scream at each other. once when I was maybe 12-14, they were yelling again, so I hid in my closet with a blanket, and covering my ears, and I just cried. that's my trauma vent :)
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