tw suicide mental illness everything very descriptive please dont say bad things i know im messed up

I really want to kill myself my friends tell me to, should i? should i end the pain will it end the pain? will i suffer forever? ive been hurting so much and now i smile at the thought of me harming myself or killing myself. I hope the pain will end i seem to have another mind controling me i dont really want to kill myself but i do at the same time. its almost like its my dream, my destiny to kill myself. ive been through abuse and assault i have no one to talk to and frankly i find the pain unbearable, ive found some ways to cope through art but the art itself is very questionable, i have thoughts of harming myself and showing my friends as they’ve requested, they want to see me kill myself they told me i smile at the fact of me hanging myself on a live in front of my friends i cannot help but smile im sorry im sorry, i dont want to think like this i need help please someone help me it hurts. ive created a character in my head shes me but not me, when i go through emotional pain, she goes through physical. she kills anyone whos betrayed her or done her wrong, shes found a lover who is obsessed with her and will kill for her theyre in love i just want someone to love me ive been used im useless as ive been told i have terrible kinks i have terrible thoughts i would never want to hurt anyone please somebody im in so much pain. im in so much pain i want to be murdered brutally i want to be stabbed to death with blood everywhere i want bad things to happen to me because of what ive gone through it makes no sense my family is thinking of sending me to a community home because im not going to school. am i the problem? was i the problem all along? tell me how much you want me to die tell me. why does no one like me? am i gone? will it be better? i have barely an escape other than designing my character in violent situations and covered in blood, i cant help but get excited over the sight of blood i want blood to be pouring out of me while my friends watch and see the regret on their face oh how it makes me smile. im fucked up i know dont tell me i just want help i need help i need to be alone for a bit. theres shadow people already dancing why? why am i hearing people call my name but really no ones there. are they calling me to end it to see wants on the other side, ive been so curious i really want to end it all. but i dont, i need help please someone help me im getting worse and worse i have no one no friends no one to care for my sanity i never tell anyone what im really going through. theyll just call me attention seekers, thats what all of them say all i have is my dog whom i never want to leave me. i love her so much she always comforts me. i cant do it i cant. please help me