Now for an update.... its been a few days since I last wrote here... I watched an eye-opening movie called “my suicide” that very accurately depicts whats going on inside my head when I feel down.... and its not just me, it happens to so many people.... and even people I care about.... my best friend killed himself and I never saw it coming, I never would’ve fucking thought.... I've been in denial over the main problem I am facing, and that is that I love myself more than others.... it could be a product of my upbringing. Truth is I am a scatterbrained emotional mess, with incredibly selfish tendencies. I hate the idea of seeking professional help because then if I actually get diagnosed, I am forced to admit its true, and then the world will know.... I need to keep it all on the DL and now I understand why I never saw it coming with Drew, he had very similar feelings, very overwhelming feelings that no one could possibly understand.... those of us who have had our hearts broken and then parents and friends say “i understand, it’ll get better” don’t fucking understand..... its as if the world stops mattering, you don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, there is no promise for a better future. That is life. Life is a bitch, the worst and hardest of bitches that will just keep knocking you down no matter what, and even when people seem happy and seem like they have it all, they really don’t. Sometimes its even worse for them, because they are filled with an overwhelming sense of self-deprecation and hate. That’s why these rich movie stars OD all the time, or commit other various forms of suicide. It can’t be taught, it has to be learned, experienced. Life cant be broken down and explained by our elders, we need to be taught how to learn the meaning of life, I understand religion now more than ever, religion is easy, it’s the easy-mode for life because when everything goes to shit you can pray for things to get better and just have faith that some omniscient being can hear you, and is going to take care of everything. But what about those that don’t have religion, or God? I was raised to believe my entire life, and yet now I struggle more than ever to really believe, I don’t have religion. So what do I have? My life, and my mind, those are mine, and mine alone, and unless I am murdered in cold blood or drugged in my sleep, my mind and body are my dominion and my responsibility. I seek answers to why the awful things happen all the time, my life has been step after step of nothing but pain, pain every day, pain every night, and fear..... fear for what my future holds, will I be successful? Will I accomplish enough to be satisfied, I want to meet the perfect woman and have a perfect family, I want to accomplish so much and yet sometimes I choose not to get out of bed. My willpower just withers away until eventually I just call in to work “sorry, I cant go in today, im sick.” When I make that call, its not far from the truth, I am sick, but im an uncurable sick, im dying, and so are so many people, we die faster the worse our mood is, and we die slower when things are actually doing right. I believe life isnt the pursuit of happiness and riches, or success, or even love. At the end of the day, life is about survival, and in order for us to survive, we find love, to live for another, we find happiness so others don’t question our will to live and move on, we find success so others don’t think there is even a chance we want to give up, and we find riches just to pay for the basic shit we need to show everyone in those goddamn supermarkets that we can leave the house, we can buy groceries, and we can feed ourselves and make it another week. Haha that’s more of a personal one for me, is it bad to not want to go out and buy groceries because I am so willing to make do with whatever I have laying around the house, like potatoes for a week straight. Money isnt a question, I have plenty of money to pay for all my needs, and yet when family asks how I am doing financially I always over-state how much I am making, if there is 3k in my bank account, I tell them I have 6k. Why do I feel the need to do that? Even though 3k is a perfectly okay answer to give them. Haha there is so much about life we never talk about... as a human race. Like how about this: as of 2015, 2/3 of all suicides are committed by men, representing 1.5% of all deaths in the world. That’s fucking absurd...... 1.5%? The world population is 7,674,000,000. Meaning 115,100,000 of those people are men who will kill themselves this year alone. This is an insane statistic and as someone who has been affected by suicide now, and who has suicidal thoughts...... this scares the fuck out of me. My roommate Jaycob, is one of the coolest guys I know, he is very introverted, but I really believe his capacity for kindness far exceeds my own. I struggle very much with my own narcissism, and so I know I have work to do.

2 years ago

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