Hello, it's currently 11:42pm I haven't been getting very good sleep…. To be honest, I haven't been doing really well in general. I don't even know why. I stay up until at least 4:00 in the morning. Something is off. I don't even know why Maybe it's the starting school Maybe it's the fact, that i feel as if my current relationship is crumbling in my own hands I refuse to open up to anyone, besides my therapist And it's not like I tell her jackshit anyway. Its funny to wrap my head around the idea that my friends, parents, think that i've been sober for… well Months. Well if it makes it any better, ive havent cut for 16 days since 16 minutes ago.l After watching doki doki literature club I've been thinking quite a bit into the metafor, the meaning of the game. It's pretty interesting actually. I like it. Though the shots of the blood running down Yuri's arms fills me with a type of sick enjoyment I guess the saying monkey see, monkey do. Still states its point freshly in my mind. I've been thinking for a while now. If you have addiction, and you are not putting effort into stopping it, you just wish you could stop. Recovery? Or is it just spaces between time until you relapse. Can you even call it relapsing? Or is it just cutting my skin, and hopping for blood, when all I get is just a mark. One time, tye said in the perking lot when he broke up with me that “you can stop your pain but i can't” or something like that. Tye has OCD “overly compulsive disorder” And I know how hard it can be for him, but. Looking back on that. He was telling me to get over myself, because it's not that bad, it's easy, just get over it. Sometimes he hurts me, When I make a mistake, when I forget to do something. He’ll hit me, or smack me, or punch me, but the worst of all, he’ll just ignore me. Tye lays on the ground, doesn't look at me, doesn't talk to me. Tye lies there. And now that i'm typing it out. Wow. It sounds so bad. But I mean it's my fault. About 2 years ago Tye, my best friend Barrett, and I were all hanging out. I made a deal A deal I think I'll regret for the rest of my life. I told Barrett that if he put on a dress from my closet we’ll watch porn. He agreed. We all thought it was really funny until Tye realized what the deal was. I can't remember all the details. Beasuse it all went by so fast. Before my eyes me and tye were in a horrible argument. Barrett had left and left the dress here. And as soon as I know it. This is my least favorite part. Talking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I liked him. I LIKED HIM. I had pinned him in the ground begging for him not to tell my parents. He yelled for help. My moms help. My dads help. Barretts help. After a while I gave up. I let go of him and he rushed out of the house. Crying. My parents got told and i didnt see Tye for weeks. After a while, we did become friends again. Which I'm so thankful for. But he often brings it up. Saying that's where all his problems started. Me. Its my fault I fucked up his life. Why should he forgive me? I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything. God, I hate myself. I wonder how fast he'd get over me if I died. I wonder if I could push him so far away that he wouldn't even care. Writing this I ate a whole can of tiny soda candies. It's 12:42. I've been writing this for an hour. It felt like 10 min. Funny enough, Tye just sent me a tik tok saying he’ll never replace me. Ha. ironic isn't it. I don't know where this letter is going to end up. But Tye if you’re reading this, i'm sorry, and if someone else is, thx for reading my little vent. <3

2 years ago

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