lately, I have been struggling with my body image and how I feel about myself. I have been a dancer my whole life and have always been treated poorly for how I am built. when I was 13, I was cast into my ballet companies show of the nutcracker. when we went to try on costumes, none of them fit me. the costume lady was mad at me because she had to make me a whole new costume and she didn't have the fabric. I cried a lot that night. this was only one of the things that happened. we would get poked in the stomach with a pen or sharp object if our stomachs were sticking out too far, or be told by our teachers that they could see what we ate. I grew up thinking this was the norm. I used to wrap a string around my waist and watch the string get looser and looser as I ate less. in the 7th grade, I was struggling with my body and was battling anorexia. ( this was around the time of the costume story.) I had SO much social anxiety. well... in science class, in front of everyone, he asked me to the spring dance. I was so nervous, so I said yes. by the next period, EVERYONE in our school knew, even the 60-year-old English teacher! about a week later, we met at the dance. i felt so uncomfortable, but I went along with it. he dragged me to some blow-up fooseball game, but I was wearing a dress. he forced me into it and I just went along with it. after that us and all our friends went to the cafeteria to get food. i was NOT excited for this. it smelled like fast food, I felt so sick and crowded with all the people. my "date" went off as I stood there in horror. a few minutes later me came back with an ice cream cone for me. I did not want to eat because I felt like I was gonna puke my guts out. we all know how it is with couples in middle school, everyone is obsessed with them. everyone circled around is as he came to give me the ice cream. i was horrified. he kept persisting the ice cream to me but I didn't want it. his fried, who was next to him, made the joke that if I didn't want it he would take it. so I politely took the ice cream, gave it to his friend, and walked right passed them. i grabbed my best friends arm and took her to the bathroom. there is where I broke down. i started balling my eyes out and having a panic attack. i called my mom to pick me up and left immediately. i told my friend to tell everyone that my brother got hurt at baseball and she had to come pick me up. i went home that night, put all my stuffed animals on my bed, and cried into my favorite hoodie. the sleeve cuffs are still stained with bits of mascara. the "date" tried to call me multiple times that night, all went to voicemail. thank god the dance was on a Friday, bc I still had to see him in school. the next day, him, I, and a few other friends were supposed to go get ice cream. i obviously didn't go. he sent me a picture of them all together. that day, me, with the help of my mom, sent him a text telling him what I was dealing with and hoe i couldn't be with someone. he "understood" and life went on. that Monday, I walked into school scared of what people would say. the day went good until I got to science class. our teacher, who obviously saw me say yes to the dance with him, put us together for a project. this project consisted of using both of our features, and a di, to make a drawing of our "child". yeah... it was bad. after that STRUGGLE, we had social studies together. our teacher ended up moving the eating chart around and put me next to the FUNNIEST kid in class, taden. he would make me laugh everyday, and I could tell the "date" was mad. a few days later, the "date" texted me, mad that I cheated on him with taden. i tried to explain that me and taden were NOT together, and neither were him and I. he got PISSED and ended up blocking me. the next day when I went into school, there were so many rumors that I was "dating" all these guys. my locker neighbor, a kid I had gym with, the list goes on. it got sooooo bad to the point where I had kids in grades above me asking me for "stuff", and had people calling me really mean things as I walked in the halls. I WAS 12!!!!!!!!! i ended up having to go to the guidance councilor with one of my friends to make the tourment stop. i cried in that office that day.. i forgot to mention, my parents hadno idea thus was going on. the councilor ended up calling my parents and telling them EVERYTHING after I left her office. that afternoon, me and my parents had a very long chat. the kid ended up getting in trouble, but I can still tell he has a hatred for me. all my friends and more people in my school ended up realizing how bad of a person he is once he starting making really racist and homofobic jokes. people in school still tell me to this day how he talks about me behind my back in classes. i try to brush it off but of course it gets to me. i know realize he was one of the contributing factors to my struggles with ed. i know this story kind of got off track but I needed to let to out. thanks!
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