tw mentions of suicide mental illness’ im messed up ik please dont judge me

have i gone crazy, if i really was i wouldnt be aware would i? i cant help it i need someone I need someone someone someone someone someone please help me why am i smiling? ive become a bother to people. why am i smiling? have i always been this bad? why am i smiling? is it me or them? how come i smile and get happy when i see my own blood? why do i want to hurt myself so bad? why am i smiling at the the of it? if my friends really cared about me why would they tell me to kill myself. they know it hurts my feelings.. but i want to fulfill their wishes i want to so bad i want to watch the life die out of their faces when their wishes finally come true. i wish you could see my expression oh how im so excited. i have one thing that i can do right and thats end it! end it all and fulfill their wishes i cant wait. im smiling, why am i smiling? is this really who ive become? i dont know if im real anymore. i dont feel like me anymore. somebodys taken over my body. but how could you fix this? how could you fix me? i know i need help but why would i ever tell them this? ive never told anyone before. the times ive tried they all think im messed up. i know im messed up im trying to get help im trying im trying im trying im trying. i just want to make people happy i was a good person is this who i am now is this who i was the whole time hiding behind the meds? i could never tell anybody theyll all judge me thats all people do. i dont want them to think im too messed up i dont want to be separated. but i do if im going to be lonely i want to be lonely completely where i see nobody happy. im sick im so sick.