I don’t know who will end up reading this, I do hope it’s read. I hate my body. I hate boys. I don’t know or can’t come to terms with my sexuality. men/boys scare me. I think the men and boy thing ties in with the “hate my body”. My brother constantly calls me degrading names like fat or fat pig, but then also puts in skinny twig with his sentences. genuinely making me confused about my body. i feel myself slipping in and out of an e.d. one day I look at myself and decide that i just don’t look “right” so i just don’t eat. then i eat the next day. it makes me feel so guilty about myself. and his sentences are the worse, like “be quiet you fat skinny twig.” like what the hell am i man. and it doesn’t help when hes literally my twin. it makes me feel like this is what everyone my age sees in me. the whole men part. i don’t trust men anymore. not even my dad. my brother makes me feel unworthy. my dad provides for me and my family but i just don’t know how to feel about him. i hate him so much. but i don’t feel like i can because this man raised me. i’m scared of guys in my class. i cant even talk to one. i think i’m bi. i don’t know. i’m a girl by the way. i think women are amazing. i think they are beautiful emotionally and physically. i just don’t know about the sexually part. i never questioned my sexuality before until now. even now i don’t know what to ask myself. “would you do sexual things with a women?” is a hard question to answer because i wouldn’t know. and then theres the part where i think that if i don’t like a women who is more masculine, then i’m not bi. i’m more soft, feminine and i like more soft and feminine women. but i feel like i would be judged if there was a masculine bi women and then said that i didn’t like them. i think that’s just type. for now i’m unlabeled and questioning.

2 years ago

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