Writing this is going to hurt because I may have to relive everything, but I need to get it off my chest and I need to face what I've done. Like most people, being rejected sucks, but unlike some, it used to be really bad for me because it brought out the darker, more toxic side of who I was at the time. There were a few instances after getting rejected that the thought "well maybe I'll ruin your life" crossed my mind and at some point it became an action. A phone call from a privated number whispering creepy things like saying "i love you" a bunch of times. Or some texts from a texting app so no one would trace it to my phone number. And then there was my friend. We worked together a lot and I was catching feelings, so I decided to tell her one day. Rejected, obviously. She said I was more like a brother to her, so I accepted that and tried to move on. But something in me was bothering me - when people say hurting someone is a choice, they're correct because this one was definitely a conscious choice. I made the decision to hurt her. I made the conscious decision to text her from a texting app with texts that were basically sexual harassment. I tried to make my text pattern different from my normal, but one day I fucked up. I texted in my normal speech pattern. And she was tipped off. When we saw each other again, I tried my best to keep calm under all the guilt that was accumulating inside of me. Then I just stopped doing what I was doing. Deleted the text app, but I didn't apologize. She didn't get closure on what happened, but an apology now would only benefit me. If anyone was wondering whether I got some sort of karma, yes, I did. In the form of a car crash. I didn't get hurt, thankfully, but my car got totaled. And about 4 years of guilt. I just lived with it, contemplating suicide because I didn't know what to do with myself. Thankfully, I had friends who listened and saved me from myself. I'm not a good person nor do I ever claim to be. I know I did something horrible and it's unforgivable. I'm sorry. Since the time of this event, I've tried to become a better person for me and for the ones I care about. Because of other things I did, I learned that words mean things and so word choice is especially important to me. I choose my words carefully so as to not hurt others by accident.

1 year ago

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